Tom and Katie Spawn!

Family values and good ol' religion took another kick in the slats as toothy nutball Tom Cruise and his unmarried birthing vessel Katie Holmes (formerly Catholic, now whatever she has to be to get the check) popped out a daughter, designated Suri. As Defamer reports:

Somewhere deep within Tom Cruise's compound, one of the hundreds of bio-vessels gathered in the estate's silent birthing stadium has finally pushed forth into the world an offspring bearing enough of a physical resemblance to the actor (think the classic monkeys-and-typewriters scenario, but with stainless-steel turkey basters and female Scientologists in their prime reproduction years) not to arouse too much suspicion about the infant's true parentage.

In other words: The Miracle Baby has finally arrived, a 7 lb. 7 oz. girl named Suri, which we assume was the name of some futuristic seafaring vessel from an obscure L. Ron Hubbard novel.

According to a press release, "both mother and daughter are doing well." We assume they're referring to Katie Holmes, not the actual biological parent who's tending the child while Holmes tries to chew through her wrist restraints and escape during the bedlam following the birth announcement.

All attempts to reach Nicole Kidman for comment were rebuffed by gales of laughter.