Thursday, January 31, 2008

Crisis on the Dump List!

A long 2-1/2 years ago, I tallied up some of the celebrity babes on my Dump and To Do Lists. (Read that post to understand the premise and see who was on the lists.) In the intervening period, I realize that just about all the ladies of the Dump List have fallen off to the To Do List or even oblivion along with some of the To Do girls. It's time to take stock of what's happening.

Of the original five Dump List names, only two remain - Angelina Jolie and Gina Gershon - and of those two, I'm not sure if I'd really want to ditch forever my girlfriend Hermione for either of them. Gershon is OK, but Angelina has really started to annoy me. It's not just the whole Mia Farrow serial-adopter and Brad Pitt breeding thing, though that sucks, but she's simply ceased to be any fun. While she is reportedly knocked up with another pair of Brad's spawnlings, the scandal sheets are reporting that he is getting tired of having to follow her from one Third World hellhole to another while she's doing her do-gooder ambassador shtick. I know I'm bored watching this and I get to stay in the part of the world with safe drinking water and no landmines. (Now, potholes...)

For someone who used to be the focus of all my carnal fantasies to become like broccoli is a big letdown. I used to have some options with which to delusionally threaten Hermione with - "You'll be sorry when Angie, Salma, Gina and I are living together! You'll miss me!" - but now name-checking AJ seems like a cop-out. I don't want to go to Botswana just to tap that. I want the babe from "Mr. & Mrs. Smith". C'est la whatever.

With the Dump List almost evacuated, that leaves the To Do List to find solace with and there's been some movement there too. Nicole Kidman (turned plastic, married a drunk), Linda Park and Jolene Blalock (replaced by other genre babes) are off and while the others are still on, it's not like I'm plotting to stalk any of them. Sure, if Charlize Theron...OK, bad example, I'd stalk her, but you kinda get my drift.

Anyway, here are the new entries on the To Do List (in no particular order):

* Anne Hathaway - Not Shakespeare's wife, but the yummy star of "The Devil Wears Prada". Google her nude scenes from "Havoc", too.

* Scarlett Johansson - Total commie, but a commie with curves and boobs.

* Grace Park - Booting the Trek babes (including the unrelated Linda Park) is the babe Cylon from the new "Battlestar Galactica" series. Too bad the Cylons don't do that assimilation thing.

* Stephanie Chaves-Jacobsen - Even I can't remember her name, referring to her as "the hot chick from the BSG: Razor movie". Too bad she didn't get to be a regular.

* Elisha Cuthbert - Kim Bauer was a twit, but Elisha's got some acting chops in that hot bod. Check out the creepy incest drama "The Quiet" for her performance. Can't believe I forgot her before.

* Jessica Alba - Another omission. Can't act a lick and is knocked up, but she's a babe.

* Laura Harris - I just watched the whole "Dead Like Me" series and she was adorable. She's on "Womens Murder Club" with a very bad haircut, but most know her as the surprise blonde jihadist on the 2nd season of "24".

* Summer Glau - Star of that "Hottie Terminator" show. Yeah, it's the same role that was so annoying in "Firefly", but this time she's cute.

* Anna Friel - Chuck on "Pushing Daisies". Another adorable one. Lot of that going around.

* Rachel Bilson - She looks a little like Raquel Welch on the face.

* Keira Knightly - But she's gotta eat a few sandwiches.

* Josie Maran - Bad actress, bad dancer, cute girl. Search for her Italian photo spread on the farm.

* Evangeline Lily and Yun-jin Kim of "Lost". Together would be nice.

* Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria of "Desperate Housewives".

* Caroline Dhavernas - Star of "Wonderfalls"; just saw her again in "Breach".

* Jewel Staite - Another "Firefly" girl.

* Brittany Murphy - Hermione pointed out her slightly trashy charms. Thanks, babe.

* Rosario Dawson - I forgot her last time?!? Yikes! Sorry!

That's enough for now. It's not like I'm getting any of them before the weekend. Courage.

Caption This Photo!

The wife of the "first black President" (who is currently leading a jihad against the first real black candidate with an actual shot at being elected) encountered this Elvis impersonator leading to this wonderful photo op:

"Secret Service!!! This n-word is touching me!!!! Get it off me!!! GET!! IT!!! OFF!!! ME!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!"

How long before a tape of her sounding like Dog the Bounty Hunter surfaces? Why do I know that even if that happened her share of the black vote would only decline to 85%?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

DragonForce Greatest Hits!!!

I was chatting with a friend about Guitar Hero and DragonForce and here is the log (with his permission; names changed to protect the innocent):

DirkBelig: I haven't mastered GH3 on Medium, so I'm holding off on getting more. "Play the damn games you already have!" is my watchword for this year

Carl Killah: damn, medium isn't that bad

DirkBelig: It was giving me a hassle. Can't finish Dragonforce on Med when I can 5-star it on easy

Carl Killah: wow. i did it with 87 %
Carl Killah: that song is ridiculously long
Carl Killah: [sends link to a video of a kid playing "Through the Fire and the Flames" on Ellen DeGeneres' show]

DirkBelig: I wash out at around 70% if I'm lucky. The machine gun 8th notes are the death

Carl Killah: hard mode is a pain because of the randomness of the notes

DirkBelig: Whoever gets 100% on Expert on that should win a prize, like maybe half the continent of Australia.

Carl Killah: how about a woman? cuz you gotta figure he's never had one.

DirkBelig: On Expert there are over 3500 notes. Everyone on YouTube is just showing that they can survive the thing. They have Dragonforce on the jukebox at the bar and after hours, someone will throw on a tune or two.

Carl Killah: all these years of hearing rush called wankers... wtf do you call DF and a song like that?

DirkBelig: Super-mega-uber-ultra-wankers. The album's a hoot. Every song is the same with the same structure. I wonder why the drummer doesn't drop dead.

Carl Killah: hey look at dave lombardo. 42 years old and still powering slayer along

DirkBelig: Yeah, but this is nuts. All songs are 7+ mins and that thrashy and fast.

Carl Killah: know anyone who has seen them live? does he replicate it?

DirkBelig: A guy at the bar saw 'em and said it was spot on. I've seen reports that they can be hit and miss.

Carl Killah: DF painted themselves into a corner. if they try and move away from the wankfests that they are known for their fans will revolt

DirkBelig: I describe DF as "Steve Perry sings for Iron Maiden performing the music of Europe after their adrenal systems have been replaced with meth pumps and Gameboys."
DirkBelig: Did you ever see the dubbed DF tutorial on YouTube that makes the guitarists look like clowns? Brilliant!

Carl Killah: nope
I went to my YouTube faves and found the video had been taken down. Fortunately, there was a link to the video creator's blog where he posted the legal threats he received along with an alternately-hosted copy of "Herman Li Is Cool".

This guy, Gavin Shapiro, has a bunch of very funny dubbed videos taking the piss out of shredder guitarists like DF and Michael Angelo, but the one that perfectly captures by comments on DF in the chat is this "commercial" for the totally non-existent "DragonForce Greatest Hits" compilation CD. Crank it up!

Death of a Supermodel Bodyguard

I'd never heard of Anna Loginova before...

...but it's a little late to become a fan with this news:

Russia's most famous female bodyguard Anna Loginova has been killed after failing to prevent her own Porsche being carjacked.

The glamorous 29-year-old died from head injuries after clinging on to the door handle and being dragged along the street at high speed as the car screeched away.

"She suffered serious injuries and died at the scene," said a police spokesman.
To quote Ram praying at Heather Chandler's funeral in "Heathers", "Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?"

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Explosive Skateboarding!

Skateboard tricks are nice.

Skateboard tricks in slow-motion are nicer.

Skateboard tricks in slow-motion while all sorts of stuff is BLOWING UP REAL GOOD are nicest!

(It starts slow and gets more X-TREEME as it goes on.)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

A 21st Century "Brady Bunch"

I once theorized what a modern version of The Brady Bunch would be like - not the ironic movies, but a millennial rethinking:

• Marica would be a total whore.
• Greg would be banging Carol because Mike was closeted (just like real life!)
• Peter would be normal, but unexceptional.
• Bobby would be a Ritalin-warehoused emo pussy.
• Cindy would be a mall Goth.
• And Jan? Well, Jan would still have NO ONE!!! She'd still be a total loser living in Marcia's shadow!!! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Obama's Church of Black Rage?

Whenever I want to check if a statement of racial grievance has any merit, I substitute the word "white" for whatever group is speaking to see how it sounds. How does this sound as a statement of principles for a church?

We are a congregation which is Unashamedly White and Unapologetically Christian... Our roots in the White religious experience and tradition are deep, lasting and permanent. We are an European people, and remain "true to our native land," the mother continent, the cradle of civilization. God has superintended our pilgrimage through the days of slavery, the days of segregation, and the long night of racism. It is God who gives us the strength and courage to continuously address injustice as a people, and as a congregation. We constantly affirm our trust in God through cultural expression of a White worship service and ministries which address the White Community.
Pretty scary and skinhead-sounding, eh? Better keep an eye on those folks, right?

But what if it's the statement of the Trinity United Church of Christ, the church attended by Emperor Wizard, er, Presidential candidate and media Golden Boy Barack Obama? Knocking out the slavery/segregation references in the middle, the rest sounds pretty strident. Would a non-Designated Victim Group member be allowed to use such rhetoric? I doubt it.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Worst Contextual Ad Mess Up of All-Time!

Contextual ads are those things on web pages that seem to magically be related to the subject on the page so if you're reading about cars or video games you'll get car and game ads. I just noticed that my AdSense ads have disappeared - must've bollixed the code somehow - but when they were up, I would get pro-Democrat ads based on all the mentions of the word "Dem" on the page. Therein lies the problem of computer-placed ads.

Now, take a look at this pooch screw of story and advertising:


(h/t: Digg)

Friday, January 11, 2008

Friday Morning Coffee (Updated/Corrected)

I can't remember the last time I did one of these! Let's roll!

THE POLITICS OF MEANINGLESSNESS: In shaky times and confronted by a civilization-ending enemy called radical Islam, the fact that the choices we have for our next President are so pitiful is depressing as hell. They pretend to be tough on whatever, but are all various shades of pink to red.

The even more depressing aspect is how the candidates will be chosen by an ignorant majority based on identity politics, not sound policy grounds. Oh, some people pay attention to the issues and where the individual candidates stand, but they're outnumbered by herds of dolts who are voting based on sub-simplistic identity reasons. Hillary! is a woman; Obama is black; McCain is a "maverick"; Huckabee is Jesus-luvin'; blah-blah-woof-woof. If challenged, I wonder how many of these herd voters could even explain the policy reasons they're voting for?

Obama yammers on about "change", but what sort of change will he bring? Will he surrender the War on Terror because he remembers his childhood pals at the madrassas and they weren't so bad. Hey, if Dubya and Huck the Schmuck are willing to grant amnesty to invaders and transfer the wealth of citizens to them because that's the "Christian" - what every happened to "Thou shalt not steal"? - who's to say Obama's not a deep-sleeper, if you know what I mean. (See below for update.)

EDIT/CORRECTION: Whoops! There's a reason why I shouldn't post in the middle of the night. While I started this post on Friday morning, I got busy with work and left it sitting here in draft status for the rest of the day. This has happened before and usually those posts just never go up. With this one, I noticed before turning in to bed that it hadn't gone live and just published it without proofreading it to see if it made sense and was finished. (Post times are when the post was started, nto when it goes live.) It wasn't and contained a whopper of an error as it appeared above as our old friend the Anonymous Pussy broke his silence to comment:

Obama did not attend a madrassa. That story was debunked almost immediately by a multitude of sources after it was published in Insight. Isn't it ironic that you are a member of the ignorant majority that you claim to despise? Pitiful and laughable at the same time.
Ignoring the usual snide shot at the end, this is absolutely right and if I'd taken the time to finish the post I would properly put the "Obama = hidden Muslim traitor" stuff in context.

Yes, the story was debunked, but the problem is that it probably stuck with a bunch of people who never heard the corrections. I was going to say that just as people are voting for Obama on identity grounds, they may also be voting against him for wrong reasons. That he is naive, untested, feckless and a typical product of the corrupt Chicago Democratic political machine are good reasons to cast a leery eye at this media-hyped guy, but more people will use the madrassa connection, false as it is, to vote against him.

Unlike the Treason Media outlets that bury their corrections on the back pages after slandering people above the fold, the Blogosphere can correct their errors in-line with the articles themselves and I have done so. I was sloppy about my proofreading and as a result, gave the exact opposite impression than I meant to. Obama is a schnook, but not a secret member of Al Queda. He may not want to fight them and be sympathetic to their complaints, but he's not a card-carrying member any more his fellow fascist Democrats are.

I had a story the day before still in draft mode about Obama's church and their racist beliefs. I'll get that up later.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, YOU'D BETTER QUIT: That seems to be the message the Treason Media and punditocracy has for Mitt Romney based on 2nd place finishes in the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary. America has 50 states, but if you don't win two small rural overwhelmingly white and politically self-absorbed ones - as Romney hasn't despite spending a fortune - then you may as well go home and die. The Treason Media isn't interested in a drawn-out campaign where the participants are tested, vetted and chosen by the public. They want the most-easily-beaten one to get the nom. They want someone so flawed and weak that as awful as the Dem option may be, the standard bearer of the Stupid Party wouldn't stand a chance. Impartial journalists, my arse!

THE FRIDAY FIVER: Not gonna even try to catch up the backlog. Be strong.

1. Where do you like to walk?

Egypt. (Think about it.)

2. What does your hair look like?

Like I should have a fan blowing in my face so that I look like a Bon Jovi video.

3. What are you jealous of?


4. What kind of promises do you make?

The ones I keep.

5. What makes you stare?

Boobs. (Duh.)

DIRK'S DISH DU JOUR: It's a shame that such a pretty homewrecker (with a machine gun leg!) has decided to botox and slice up her face like she was Mary Tyler Moore, so let's remember Rose McGowan as she was.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Behind the Scenes of Hillary's "Human" Moment.

So, Lady MacBeth won the New Hampshire primary last night, much to the surprise of Barack Hussein Obama and the pollsters who had him with a double-digit lead. (Wasn't worthless Kennedy spawn RFK Jr. staking his hysterical claims that the '04 Election was stolen by Dubya on the insane notion that exit polls were more accurate than counted ballots? I digress...)

The Nose on Your Face has snagged the feed of the bathetic moment in which the usually shrill and angry Hillary! managed to get all weepy and pretend that the only reason she was running for the throne of Empress Wizard was because she felt so strongly that she needed to give back to the wonderful country that gave her so much. A news report Monday night had some woman who decided she was going to vote for Eva Braun Evita Peron based on her crocoshite tears, thus reminding us why women shouldn't be allowed to vote. (Note: I don't think men should be allowed to vote either. No one should be allowed to run for office, too. Shut it all down!! FREEDOM!!!) Yeah, Hillary! doesn't want to be a totalitarian dictator who would make Joe Stalin look like Albert Schweitzer.

(h/t Powerline)

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Monday, January 07, 2008

The Borg To Whom Obama Owes His Candidacy.

I was just explaining to my girlfriend the other day that the only reason Barack Obama was on the national stage was because the Treason Media took out his opponent in the 2004 Illinois Senatorial race, Jack Ryan - the guy had a frigging Tom Clancy hero name! - because he allegedly wanted to have sex with...[gasp!]...HIS WIFE!!! Not just any politician's wife, but this:

That's right; Seven of Nine herself, Jeri Ryan. As "The Woman Who Changed the World" posits:

In retrospect, Obama’s presidential run was the candidacy that almost never happened.

Back in 2004, Barack Obama was an Illinois state senator with some modest accomplishments on his resume. He spearheaded welfare reform in the Illinois statehouse, and took the lead in passing a law that required interrogations in murder cases to be videotaped...[and] in an 8-candidate race, Obama garnered 53% of the vote, routing his opponents.

Yet despite running away with the primary, Obama still had a formidable challenge in Republican Jack Ryan. Ryan was an impressive candidate - attractive and wealthy, with law and business degrees from Harvard. After making a fortune at Goldman Sachs, Ryan left to teach in an inner city school.

Yet Ryan had a problem - during the campaign, he was going through a messy divorce from actress Jeri Ryan, of “Star Trek: Voyager” fame. Details of Jeri Ryan’s testimony contained lurid details about Ryan forcing his wife to go to sex clubs in Paris. These details were toxic to Jack Ryan’s campaign, and he saw his poll numbers plummet - eventually, Republican leaders pressed Ryan to quit the race, fearing he was toxic to the statewide ticket.

Eventually, Ryan bowed out, leaving the Illinois Republican Party to find a candidate to run against Obama. This led to the national embarrassment of Alan Keyes moving to Illinois to run. Naturally, Obama won 70%-27%, buoyed by his keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention.

The rest is history. Certainly, Obama deserves all the credit for the way he has excited Democratic crowds around the country - leading to his rout of Hillary Clinton in Iowa. And he may have beaten Jack Ryan on his own. But it’s fascinating to think that the salacious testimony of a woman scorned could one day fundamentally alter the path of the world in which we live. Without it, Barack Obama could still be sitting in the Illinois statehouse, planning his next political move.
Sure, it was tawdry, sleazy stuff (if true), but once again it shows that while the Stupid Party quickly executes those who run afoul of the law or common decency, the Dems protect and celebrate their reprobates, gathering power for themselves. Life’s easy when you have no shame.

Obama is a Stripper and Hillary is Your Wife.

I need to roll by Greg Gutfield's site more often if he's going to keep putting up stuff like this:

So, while watching the debates over the weekend, I figured out why Obama is rising in popularity, and why Hilary is sinking like something that sinks. Obama doesn't have to do a damn thing but sit there and look pretty, and we love him. And Hilary doesn't have to do a damn thing but sit there and look constipated, and you hate her.

In a nutshell: Obama is a stripper and Hilary is your wife. Think about it. When you go to a strip club, you see the very best attributes of the stripper you're ogling. You see her curves and her implants, but you see none of her problems. You don't see her meth habit, her biker ex-boyfriend, the box of severed ears she keeps in her closet. But with your wife, you are familiar not with only the good, but with the bad. The very bad. And this is why men sometimes prefer strippers to their wives.

But, once you leave your wife and start dating a stripper - you quickly find out that she's far worse than your wife could ever be. Your wife doesn't eat her own hair, for example. If the elections were held now, Obama would probably win - which is essentially like marrying a stripper after spending a weekend with her in Vegas, doing lines off her butt. But unlike that entirely made up scenario which definitely didn't happen to me in 1992 when I had long hair and a competitive bobsled racer's physique, a quickie election can't be annulled. If you tie the knot with Obama, as shapely as he is, you're stuck with him for at least four years. And that's why I recommend ditching both of them and voting for me. I promise a unicorn in every pot and a houseboy in every bed.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.
I'm not sure if this redeems his gawdawful late-night show on Fox News, "Red Eye" - probably not - but it made me raff.

Christmas with Master Chief

Hermione's taking down the Christmas decorations, so I had to take a snapshot of how my Master Chief cat helmet spent the holidays.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Hawt or Naught?: Fergie

Got the new issue of Blender with Fergie on the cover and she looks pretty good. Thing is, she's been photographed plenty of times looking not-so-pretty and I know a lot of guys who think she's rank. This is an example of the hawt Fergie...

...and this is a more naught example...

She's kind of like Pink, who looks pretty butch most of the time, but occasionally looks quite dee-lish. Mileage varies, I suppose.