How to Watch Don't Trust the B- in Apartment 23 in the CORRECT Order

If you're a fan of Krysten Ritter from her her roles as Jessie's doomed junkie girlfriend in the second season of Breaking Bad or her three seasons as Jessica Jones, the Marvel-Netflix superhero series, but are unaware that she has amazing comedic chops, you owe yourself to watch the cruelly overlooked Don't Trust the B- in Apt. 23 from 2012-13 which was the recipient of perhaps the most egregious cases of of television network malpractice ever. 

I'd first encountered Ritter in the 2010 rom-com She's Out of My League where she played the snarky friend of the lead, Alice Eve. While audiences were supposed to to pant along with lead dweeb Jay Baruchel for Eve, it was Ritter's dark beauty and tart persona that earned my notice. (Her character was like something Aubrey Plaza would play.) I hadn't finished the second season of Veronica Mars where she had a recurring role as Steve Guttenberg's daughter and catching up with Breaking Bad was a few years in the future, but she earned a coveted "watch out for her stuff" slot. 

So when Don't Trust the B- was announced, I was all over it. As the titular bitch, Ritter played Chloe, a hard drinking, hard partying, extremely promiscuous young woman in NYC. We meet her when June (Dreama Walker), a naive woman from Indiana who moved to town to work on Wall Street discovers the moment she walks into the office on her first day that her company was being shut down by the Feds and that the deluxe apartment which was a perk of the job goes with it. 

Desperate for a place to live, she runs through a rapid fire succession of prospects before meeting Chloe, who seems absolutely wonderful and June agrees to move in. However, she quickly learns that Chloe has made it a habit of driving roommates crazy and ripping them off on the rent, but rather than retreat to Hoosierslovakia, she will stand up to Chloe and find a way to make things work.

Rounding out the cast is Eric Andre as Mark, a guy who also lost his job on Wall Street, but landed at a coffee shop where he hires June, and James Van Der Beek who KILLS on the show in a meta performance as himself obviously inspired by Neil Patrick Harris' turns in the Harold and Kumar flicks. Hilariously vain and needy, he relies on his assistant Luther (a wonderfully mincing Ray Ford) for emotional support he's glad to provide. 

Improperly handled, Chloe could've been extremely off-putting and grating, but thanks to exceptional writing and ace performances, it not just works, but soars. So of course it got cancelled after less than two truncated seasons. Which leads to the point of this post.

Has there a show that got more bent over and rogered as far as running shows randomly as Don't Trust The B-? They produced 26 episodes - two 13-episode seasons - but aired them almost randomly with a 7-episode first season, then airing the remaining six eps as a planned 19-episode second season, mixing story arcs at random, then deciding after airing 11 episodes to pull the show off the air and dump the final eight eps on Hulu, iTunes, and ABC's website. 

Due to the haphazard and utterly random airing of episodes, story arcs like James competing on Dancing with the Stars and Chloe's subtle shift to being a little less of a beyatch and learning that kindness won't kill her and June's toughening up for life in the Big Apple were lost. But the extent of the randomness didn't truly reveal itself until I bought both seasons on Amazon and began to research the hash ABC had made of things. Finally, I found a correct running order list posted by James Van Der Beek himself that has been our guide in subsequent viewings of this wonderful show.

As of this writing, all 26 episodes are on Hulu in their incorrect broadcast order. Below is the order both seasons were intended to be viewed in. The season/episode numbers are when they aired, but as you can see, other than the first and last two of the first season and the final five of the last season, it was just a mess. We've watched this order twice and it works. Enjoy!

SEASON 1

S1E1 - “PILOT”

S1E2 - “DADDY’S GIRL”

S1E10 - “MEAN GIRLS”

S1E5 - “MAKING RENT”

S1E4 - “THE WEDDING”

S2E9 - “THE SCARLET NEIGHBOR”

S2E5 - “WHATEVER IT TAKES”

S1E6 - “IT’S JUST SEX”

S2E12 - “THE LEAK”

S1E3 - “PARENT TRAP”

S1E7 - “SHITAGI NASHI”

S2E6 - “BAR LIES”

S2E7 - “A WEEKEND IN THE HAMPTONS”

SEASON 2

S2E1 - “A REUNION”

S2E4 - “IT’S A MIRACLE”

S2E2 - “LOVE AND MONSTERS”

S2E3 - “SEXY PEOPLE”

S2E8 - “PARIS”

S2E14 - “TEDDY TROUBLE”

S2E13 - “MONDAY JUNE”

S2E11 - “DATING GAMES”

S2E15 - “THE D”

S2E16 - “THE SEVEN YEAR BITCH”

S2E17 - “USING PEOPLE”

S2E18 - “OCUPADO”

S2E19 - “ORIGINAL BITCH”

CFE: Television's Slow Suicide

THE BACKGROUND: Techdirt has a item about how Hulu keeps trying to prevent Boxee from working with their content because content producers are techno-phobic morons who can't understand that their very survival is being put in doubt because of their foolish actions. As I explain...

As television networks are bleeding out because audiences are shrinking and advertisers won't support scripted shows - why should they when "Surviving with the Idol American Stars" draws awesome numbers? - it amazes me that instead of embracing Boxee and Hulu and new means to connect digital content to TVs, they fight to the death to maintain business models created when there were only channels 2, 4, and 7 on the dial.

My girlfriend's family doesn't have DVRs and still tapes shows on VHS off standard-def DirecTV. (Ugh, I know. I'm working on it.) At 9pm Thursdays CSI, Supernatural, and 30 Rock are on. We watch Supernatural on OTA HD while she tapes CSI and then I download 30 Rock from BitTorrent, playing it back thru my Xbox 360. Clunky, no?

Now, why the hell aren't the networks making deals to stream Hulu (or whatver) directly to these game consoles like NetFlix does. Instead of making people muck about with a HTPC or things like Boxee, just pipe it into the Xbox or PS3 that's already hooked up to the TV. Duh!!! How hard is it to see the obviousness of that?!? It cuts down on "piracy"; allows advertisers to present their commercials in an unskippable format (Hulu's one 30-second ad per break is quite tolerable as opposed to four minutes of ED adverts); and gives viewers a good experience.

Whoops! It makes too much sense! My bad. Nevermind. As you were, people.

Star Trek: The Next Generation (of Edits!)

Once again I marvel at the amount of spare time some people have.



See 'em all here!

The Unending Rage of Janeane Garofalo Never Ends. (Updated & Bumped)

(Note: This was originally posted 12/23/08, but I've changed the time index to bump it to the top so the update is seen.)

I was at Borders tonight picking up Robot Chicken: Season Three and looking at the magazine rack. On the cover of Geek Monthly was a smiling, brunette Janeane Garofalo - no longer sporting the self-loathing fried bleached blonde mop she had - with the headling "Crashing Bush's Party" in conjunction with her upcoming role on the next season of the Jack Bauer Power Hour (aka "24").

In the article, she was spewing the same insane rage-filled garbage she has been since she decided she'd be as offensive as she could be to anyone who dared not goosestep with her BDS samba. The same old "Bush-Cheney cabal" and lies that the show that she isn't too proud to take a paycheck from was an inspiration for Gitmo torture are trotted out for the umpteenth time. Didn't Obama just get elected last month? WTF are they still yammering on about Dubya? Why can't these losers just take their own advice and MOVE THE F*CK ON?!?

As the interview dragged on, she revealed that she was raised in a conservative, religious household and she had accepted what her father told her as the gospel truth until she went to college and was called an "asshole" for daring to voice her opinions. She was so shocked, she basically rejected everything she was raised to believe and became the shrill liberal harpie she is now. Well, there we have it: Daddy issues that would shock Electra and acceptance-craving that destroys any illusions she's actually an iconoclast when she blindly disposes of her family in order to curry favor with the crowd she wants to be part of.

So sad. I just watched "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" a few weeks ago and she was so winsome and cute then; easily the more desirable choice of her and Uma Thurman. I endured the schlocky "The Matchmaker" just because she was in it and I loved her cameo in "The Cable Guy" as the Medieval Times serving wench, but in her off-screen dealings, she's become insufferable and it's too bad because it damages her on-screen effectiveness. When she was cast on "24", a lot of people were outraged that a seething, anti-government malcontent would be sullying the JBPH as a FBI agent(!), but unlike the intolerant Lefties (like her, ironically), I'm going to try and look beyond her rancid politics. (Face it, if I didn't watch any TV/films because the stars were pinheads, I'd be watching nothing and as stupid as he is offscreen, Alec Baldwin kicks ass on "30 Rock".)

When Garofalo started on Air AmeriKKKa, I tuned into her show and after 45 minutes of her tirades, I had to bail before I woofed my cookies. Hearing her sounding upset that our soldiers' improved body armor was resulting in fewer deaths, but more crippling injuries, was just maddening. She was angry that our soldiers weren't dying enough for her taste; the same soldiers who were fighting the Islamofascists who would deny her a career and the ability to spout off freely whatever lunacy that entered her empty head. Just pathetic, but so typical for Hollyweird of today. Power Line had an obit for Van Johnson that explores the anti-military attitudes of Hollyweird that's enlightening, not that Janeane Garofalo has any use for facts that don't keep her in the in-crowd and slapping back against her father. Of course, she doesn't see the irony that conservatives are mostly blacklisted by her fellow travelers in the industry while she takes a job on a show she despises its best qualities of. (i.e. Jack Bauer kicking terrorist ass for his country!)

Final irony? She encourages people to go to Borders to get information. Who knew that Borders was considered the info spot for unhinged Lefties? I mean, other than me, that is? (I've joked with my g/f that she couldn't get a job at Borders because she's too hetero for them. Heh.) While I was in the DVD section, the sales girl was actually recommening "10,000 B.C." to a customer, so that should tell you the level of information Janeane expects you to swallow from her fave bookstore.

What was I doing there since it's such a evil place? Saving 40% on my DVDs, that's what - best price available anywhere. Score! Let the Commies figure out how to make a buck themselves. Heh.

UPDATE & BUMP: 24 is now nine hours into the season and Janeane has been OK, though a lot of liberals at this one forum I post at are bagging on her dour mien. (Maybe they wish she would sabotage Jack in the name of extreme liberals everywhere?) Anyhoo, I saw this interview quoted on Big Hollywood and here's what the typically "open-minded", "diverse" and "tolerant" liberal has to say:

The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that’s science – that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican. It’s counter-intuitive. And they revel in their anti-intellectualism. They revel in their cruelty.

Sarah Palin [is] small-minded and mean-spirited. It has nothing to do with gender — I don’t give a shit about her gender — she is what the Republican Party has become: obstructionist, contrarians, small-minded, all of these things. She just happens to be attractive. There’s definitely something wrong with her. She’s lacking in so many areas. Of course she’s successful with a segment of the country because she represents that lesser segment of the country. It’s people’s lesser nature – their human frailty. You know whatever’s wrong with them is what she is about.

That's right, Janeane; the woman who has raised a family, worked a fishing trawler, and took on the entrenched old boys club of Alaskan politics to rise to the chief executive position of that state is stupid, crazy and a sign of how stupid and crazy you believe the proles of America to be. And who better to tell us than a bitter and rage-filled actress who hasn't been SEEN (she was a voice player in Ratatouille) by any substantial audiences in at least a decade until now on 24? If anyone is narrow and cruel, it's you, babe. That's why you're still single, your joke marriage 16 years ago that you didn't ever dissolve notwithstanding. You used to be cute and funny, now you're just vile and miserable. You have my pity, you miserable twit.

==============

ANOTHER UPDATE (2/27/09): Jeez, she just can't help herself, can she? Appearing with fellow traveler and raving loon Keith Olbermann:

After mentioning that former CNN anchor Daryn Kagan used to date Limbaugh, Garofalo cracked that Kagan has Stockholm Syndrome, which she also attributed to RNC Chairman Michael Steele, with Olbermann agreeing that Steele suffers from "self-loathing":

JANEANE GAROFALO: She dated him, so either she suffers from Stockholm Syndrome – a lot like Michael Steele, who’s the black guy in the Republican party who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome, which means you try and curry favor with the oppressor.

KEITH OLBERMANN: Yes, you talk about self-loathing.

GAROFALO: Yeah, and there’s, any female or person of color in the Republican party is struggling with Stockholm Syndrome.

So charming. Note that the picture has her credited as a "political activist", as if running around spewing lies and insanity on friendly media outlets contributes anything to society. Pffft.

(h/t Big Hollywood)

Brian Austin Greene: Luckiest SOB Alive!

I'm not prone to envy, but in this case, Brian Austin Greene is slightly worthy of it because when the former "90210" star isn't home banging his girlfriend, Megan Fox...



...he's at work snogging his new co-star/love interest in "Hottie Terminator", Stephanie Jacobson, who was hawt and badass in the "Battlestar Galactica: Razor" film...



...and getting paid on top of it all. I hope he enjoys his eternity roasting in Hades he traded for this sweet period of mortal existence!

1342-8: What is Obama Afraid Of?

Obama is the Messiah. He is The One. He is invincible and inevitable. Right? He's got as much money as God and uncounted zillions in in-kind contributions from the Treason Media. He is opposed by a old guy who isn't a fraction as telegenic who is cowed by the TM into not attacking his fascist goals because he'll be smeared as a racist. Life is peachy. Right?

Then why has He felt it necessary to buy 168 TIMES AS MANY ADS?!?

In the first three weeks of September, Barack Obama ran 1,342 television commercials in the Washington media market that reaches heavily populated and contested Northern Virginia.

According to The Nielsen Company, in the same period and market, John McCain aired just eight commercials on broadcast stations.

Obama’s recent purchase of two 30-minute blocks of time on two national networks — which could cost about $1 million apiece and negotiations are continuing with two other networks — has many Republicans worrying that they are up against an even bigger machine than they’d imagined.

Remember when Obama said he'd only take public financing, like McCain has? Well, he lied. He saw the money he could tap and knew that no one would hold him to account. Still, isn't this sending 50 ICBMs to swat a gnat? I mean, since The One is only waiting for the formality of his coronation, right? And why does He need all the fake ACORN voters if He's a lock?

CFE: Hysterical SNL Haters Need To STFU!!!

THE BACKGROUND: A very funny sketch ran on SNL last weekend blistering the Dems for their culpability in the financial mess we're in and had a parade of unsympathetic characters who were supposed victims. It was very sharp and funny. The sketch disappeared from Hulu and Michelle Malkin has been all over why it was yanked, most likely that it offended the rich liberals lampooned in it.

NBC finally came out with a reason for it being yanked and promises to post it after a change is made to a graphic which labeled a real couple as "People who should be shot." In her commentary about it, Malkin added this:

Commenter madmonk: “Standard[s]? What standards? They ‘joked’ about incest in the Palin family. So again… what standards?”

This set me off HARD and I blasted up this rant which is long overdue to be heard by these dolts!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHY CONSERVATIVES ARE CONSIDERED A JOKE?!?!? BECAUSE THEY FLY OFF THE HANDLE AND CRY OVER NOTHING!!!!

Whether it was having a cow over the “lipstick on a pig” nonsense or acting as if SNL was implying incest in the Palin family, when conservatives get their knickers in a twist WRONGLY, it makes their LEGITIMATE complaints fall on deaf ears. You can only falsely cry “BIAS!” a few times before you are ignored.

Let me explain it to you ninnies: The NY Times sketch was - now pay attention - MAKING FUN OF THE STUPID NY TIMES REPORTERS!!!! Not, I repeat NOT!!!! implying there was incest!!!! To the cloistered elites of the Treason Media, anything outside the island of Manhattan is Indian Territory and/or where sea dragons swim. The reporter whose nickname was “Queens” because he’d fallen asleep on the subway and went to Queens was one gag; the other who only asked about polar bears was another. ALL the reporters were being lampooned for their ignorance of the real world, like being unable to identify a shotgun.

Instead of appreciating the irony of a presumed-liberal TV skit show like SNL righteously thumping the Left for its biases - dating back to the Clinton-Obama debate where the CNN reporters were fawning over Barry - what are too many conservatives doing? Catching the vapors and shrilly fluttering about like LIBERALS and shrieking for their version of political correctness. GET A FREAKING GRIP!!!

I’m hypersensitive to liberal biases that are ruining entertainment (e.g. The awful Body Snatchers update, “The Invasion”, in which the deadly alien organism came from the space shuttle Patriot. Get it? Death comes from patriots. Har har. Ahem.), but there is absolutely no there there with these complaints about SNL. SNL has done a better job calling out the Dems culpability about Fannie/Freddie and media biases and hysterical twits are shrieking about incest, totally missing the point and living up to the liberal stereotypes of clueless moral scolds. KNOCK IT OFF!!!

As for the “People who should be shot” Chyron - that was a little harsh. If they leave the essence of the sketch unchanged (and we’ve got the original to compare it to) and change it to something like “High-rent scam artists”, there’s no harm done. Move the heck on, mmmkay?

I believe we need more morality in our lives, but there's a huge difference between wanting that and being a priggish scold who torches one's credibility because they're too outraged to see what's actually happening. Idiots!

Cross "Heroes" Off the Schedule.

Just a few days ago, I was grousing about all the TV shows I've been watching, but tonight I'm crossing Heroes off my too-watch list. As I explained in a couple of places (no links):

That's it, I'm done. I've crossed the FTS threshold and I'm reclaiming this hour of my week. I almost bailed 20 minutes in when they had the one-two thud of Brundlehinder and Tony Randall Sylar, but decided to gut it out. However, I noticed I was surfing the web while the show was on and even a big nuclear explosion didn't grab me.

The plotting is more random than intriguing; the performances are getting worse, if that's possible, with Clair Bear about as threatening that name would indicate and Stallone Jr's screwface "acting" is laughable; I don't give a sh*t about Hiro and Porkman or the other 15,000 characters. Unlike Lost, which had to dig out of a sophomore slump that ran into its 3rd season, I don't see Heroes pulling out of its death spiral.

The first season was really good; the second a near-total disaster; and now they've blown it for good. Creator Tim Kring thought he'd be able to fix his creation, but in the end, he just broke it in different ways and now all the King's horses can't...you know.

The Christian Slater show that fuses "The Long Kiss Goodnight" with "True Lies", "My Own Worst Enemy", starts next Monday in the 10 pm slot after Heroes, so I may catch next week's episode, but I'm more likely to do something else. My overall time spent watching may not be going down, but hopefully the quality average will go up.

Star Trek as The A-Team!

Mashup madness continues!

Too Much TV!

(NOTE: Updated 10/28 with changes)

I haven't been much of a TV watcher in recent years. I hate the passive "Sit there. Watch this." aspect of it compared to interactive entertainments like video/PC games or teh Intarwebz and frankly there have been fewer than a small handful of decent shows to watch. Now, I'm watching 8 hours and it's kinda cramping my style with regards to other stuff I need/want to do. For those who want to live la vida Dirk®, set your Tivos to this grid:

SUNDAY: Desperate Housewives, True Blood (though I may bail on this for it's - no pun - suckiness)

MONDAY: Hottie Terminator (aka Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles), Heroes (I gave up on this a few days after this post when I realized it had become irredeemably stupid), My Own Worst Enemy (has potential for fun, but could get real stupid fast)

TUESDAY: Fringe

WEDNESDAY: Pushing Daisies (love this show!), South Park

THURSDAY: My Name Is Earl, Supernatural

I catch Saturday Night Live if I'm around a TV and watch it until it gets annoying. Not listed are shows that start mid-season like Lost, 24, and the new Joss Whedon joint, Dollhouse. I could potentially be on the hook for 10-1/2 hours of TV per week. Ugh. Here's to hoping some of these shows fall off enough in quality to allow a drop from the viewing schedule. I watched the first episode of The Cleaner and as hawt as Grace Park is, the show didn't grab me hard enough to make it worth chasing.

Hey, an excuse to post a picture of Grace! Yay!!!

Dirk Recommends: Undeclared

Hot on the heels of his cult-failure Freaks and Geeks, writer-producer Judd Apatow regrouped and came back with the college-set comedy Undeclared which also attained cult-failure status and got cancelled before all its episodes had run. Thanks to power of DVD, you can now pick it up pretty cheap from Amazon.

The concept is simple enough - freshman Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel - on movie screens now in Tropic Thunder) goes off to the University of North Eastern California and has colorful roommates and neighbors in his dorm. His thespian roommate - that's means "actor", not a girl who's into other chicks - Lloyd (Charlie Hunnam), is an English babe magnet who frequently leaves Steven banished to the suite's couch or rec area with the other "sexiles". Across the suite are Ron (Seth Rogen - currently in Pineapple Express) and Marshall (Timm Sharp), girl-challenged wiseacres with enough issues between them to open a magazine stand.

Across the hall is a suite of girls: Lizzie (Carla Gallo), Rachel (Monica Keena) and Tina (Christina Payano). Steven has a crush on Lizzie, most likely because they hooked-up in the first episode. Complicating this mutual attraction is her emotionally-unstable/borderline-stalker older boyfriend, Eric (Jason Segal - Forgetting Sarah Marshall), who manages a copy shop when he's not leaving paranoid messages on her phone.

Unlike the tragi-comic Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared is more like a sitcom, but without all the lame sitcom conventions. The DVD comes with a sick amount of extras (e.g. every episode has a commentary) and other than a cruddy transfer, it's pretty deluxe.

If you hate sitcoms for their lameness, join the club - other than NBC's Thursday night entries, I don't watch 'em - but this is smarter than your average bear's sitcom and is thus DIRK® APPROVED! Check it out, yo!

DJ Spock Rocks the Logical Beats, Yo!

And he throws the dopest parties (but only every seven years.)

Why David Letterman Rules #3,672,941

I never thought I'd hit a point where I was totally oblivious about some sort of pop culture phenomenon. Sure, I may not know much or really care about Disney Channel stuff like Hannah Montana or various "reality television" (the greatest oxymoron ever) shows, but I'm usually vaguely aware of what's going on, but I must admit I haven't the foggiest notion as to what the holy fook "The Hills" is or is about? I guess it's some sort of fake/real "reality" show on MTV - that explains it, I stopped watching when I realized there wasn't any "M" stuff anymore (same as VH1) - and everyone really gives a smoking sack of manure about it judging from all the magazine covers these twits are inhabiting.

Judging from the way David Letterman monkeyslaps this toolbox from the show, I ain't missing much. Glad to see Dave's having none of this nonsense either.



(h/t: WWTDD)

Dirk's Dish du Jour: Grace Park

I've mentioned "Battlestar Galactica" hottie Grace Park as a DDDJ before (I'd link it, but the picture went missing - Google images has a zillion copies; go get 'em) and for the longest time, the only real cheesecake shots of her were from a few year old Maxim shoot. Well, she's done a layout for Complex magazine and it's quite nice.



As I said, it's nice. What's not nice is that there are outfits shown in this video which aren't included. Curses!



BTW, if you haven't been watching BSG this season, you've been missing out.

Star Trek: The Sexed Generation

As with any of these mash-ups or montages, I'm always impressed by the amount of work that must've gone into this, but as you will see, this is something extra-special.

Oscars 2008 Running Commentary

From a site that shall remain nameless (to keep the riff-raff away), my running comments on this year's Oscar telecast.

* Lame opening montage.

* Stewart monologue - ”Psychopathic killer Oscar movies”; “his stripper name is Olympia Dukkakis”; “…pick the Democrat you’ll vote for”; “asteroid about to hit”, cut to Spike Lee. Solid set. Grade: B

* I was gonna do the drinking game where you do a shot when they show Jack, but I need to go to work sometime this week.

* Jennifer Garner looks like a girl.

* Why do Costume Design Oscar winners always dress like hobos? Jeez, Hermione thinks Swank looks manly?

* Jeez. In 50 years, they’re going to describing some suave new actor as the “new George Clooney”, aren’t they?

* Props for including the Rob Lowe shot in the montage. Don’t they usually run the filler montages in the middle of the show?

* Anne Hathaway: When bad dresses happen to yummy girls.

* This is the witty banter that we get now that we have the writers back? Is it too late for the strike to restart?

* Katherine Heigl shows how to look like Marilyn Monroe without looking like you’re trying to look like Marilyn Monroe. Hubba-hubba!

* And the shunning of “Norbit” continues.

* How come these people still don’t seem to know where to go after their speeches?

* Wow. Great pipes on Amy Adams, but couldn’t they have found a more whimsical outfit?

* First upset of the evening as The Golden Compass benefits from the vote split between Transformers and Pirates 3 for VFX.

* Crappy Art Direction presentation with them Photoshopping frames from the movie instead of showing actual sketches and paintings.

* Wow, it’s been 10 years since Cuba Gooding Jr. decided that he’d had enough dignity in his career? “Boat Trip”, “Daddy Day Care”, and “Snow Dogs” should’ve prompted a repossession by now.

* Never expected Xavier Bardem to win. (j/k) What did they bleep out?

* The spoof montages were funny. Too bad they didn’t have time to show them.

* Why does Keri Russell always look like she’s Joan Allen’s older sister?

* Using the “August Rush” tune time to look thru the sales papers. Hal Holbrook did the “cabin patch”?

* I’ll bet Tilda Swinton is thinking that she should’ve considered her fashion choices more thoroughly as her award will be overshadowed by all the worst-dressed lists she’ll be topping. Good speech dogging Clooney and his bat suit.

* Loved the adapted screenplay intros with all the writers tapping and scribbling away while the Coens are shown sleeping and angsting. Curious that their speeches were so inarticulate, no?

* Cute film explaining the Oscar process. They left out the part where the PWC guys phone their “bets” into Vegas.

* Miley Cyrus looks like an older version of Ellen Page.

* Whoever designed that dress that minimized Kristen Chenoweth’s awesome sweater kittens needs to be disappeared STAT!

* Funny shtick with the tubby Hebrews from “Superbad” and “Knocked Up”.

* Sound awards: the rivals for the various shorts and docs for who-cares-ness.

* Gee, they’re doing Best Actress early. Marion Cot-uh-something-French wins. She’s prettier in real life. Awwww, Forest gave her a hug.

* So far, the three acting awards have gone to non-Americans and with DDL a slam dunk, it’s going to be a sweep. English, Spanish, French and Irish thespians take the prizes. Someone better not tell Lou Dobbs.

* WTF?!? Did Nintendo pay for that Wii placement?

* I kept waiting for the Glen, the Coldplay wannabe, to drop his pick thru that gaping hole in the top of his guitar. How much do you have to play to grind away that much wood? “Once” is sooooooo overrated, but the song is nice enough.

* I’ve seen 42 of the 79 Best Pic winners - Hermione 36 – including almost all from 1970 on. (I’ve got Midnight Cowboy and Schindler’s List in the stack of DVDs to watch to plug a couple of the holes.)

* “Bourne Ultimatum” is sure cleaning up the technical awards. Could “No Country” be in danger?

* WTF is that tinsel crap around Nicole Kidman’s neck? She looks like she’s been flashing at Mardi Gras.

* Why do I know that MadgeLuva469 is going to run out and buy some hoop earrings like Daniel-Day-Lewis has?

* Honorary Oscar speeches are always scintillating, aren’t they?

* Has anyone heard of ANY of the Foreign Language nominees? Where was “The Kite Runner”? They really need to overhaul the process. How dare the winner invoke the Nazis?!? Doesn’t he know that the Oscars are all about Iraq now? Nazis are so old hat.

* WTF is up with that slick spot by the stage right podium? Colin Farrell said they should fix it and Xenu’s former favorite son almost fell on it.

* Nice to see the “Once” tune win if only because it gives the lowly indie musicians some hope. I didn't hate the movie; it just isn't all that.

* Classy move to have the Russian(?) girl back on to give a secondary speech. Hey, she mentioned indie musicians. She’s reading the Rope backstage?

* WTF is Cameron Diaz wearing? She looks hippier than Jennifer Hudson.

* “There Will Be Milkshakes” gets Cinematography, so it looks like they’re spreading the wealth around. Perhaps Roger Deakens split his vote?

* Hillary “Do I die in this one?” Swank intros the These Are People Who Died montage. Heath Ledger edges Ingmar Bergman in the applause competition. Hermione wonders where Brad Renfro was.

* Gee, Hollyweird finds a use for our soldiers: To inoculate themselves against charges that they’re anti-American and anti-solider with the category that followed their appearance. Not the least bit cynical. Not at all. Pffft.

* HA!!! “Sicko” loses, thus making Michael “There will be a meal served, right?” Moore’s year of defeat complete. Where was Fidel Castro? Did he eat him?!?!?

* True Fact: Diablo Cody is the first Oscar winner to go onstage with an exposed punk girl tattoo since Jessica Tandy won for “Driving Miss Daisy”. Hermione says, “Right now in seedy strip clubs everywhere, the next Great American Movie is being written.”

* Did Bono write Mirren’s speech?

* DD-L wins?!?! Jeez, everyone lost their Oscar pools. Seriously though, if he wasn’t in it this year, it’d be tough to handicap the race because the other performances were solid.

* The Coen Brothers have really come back from “The Ladykillers” and “Intolerable Cruelty”, haven’t they? They’ll have three Oscars to juggle tonight. Literally.

* Overall, a decent show. It moved quickly – overall run time: 3:17 - and had a few sweet moments and no truly dreadful lulls. Jon Stewart was good enough, though I’d rather have Steve Martin. Overall show grade: B+

A 21st Century "Brady Bunch"

I once theorized what a modern version of The Brady Bunch would be like - not the ironic movies, but a millennial rethinking:

• Marica would be a total whore.
• Greg would be banging Carol because Mike was closeted (just like real life!)
• Peter would be normal, but unexceptional.
• Bobby would be a Ritalin-warehoused emo pussy.
• Cindy would be a mall Goth.
• And Jan? Well, Jan would still have NO ONE!!! She'd still be a total loser living in Marcia's shadow!!! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Epic "Wheel of Fortune" Failure

If you thought the "South Park" episode where Randy Marsh faceplants on the puzzle "People Who Are Annoying" with the letters "N_GGERS" in the board was far-fetched, check out this idiot who, with $62,400 in the bank and only THREE letters left to guess, can't solve the puzzle and then guesses a wrong letter.

On this day before Thanksgiving, be thankful that you don't have to carry this shame around.

24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot

Due to the Writers Guild strike, it's been announced that Season 7 of "24" will be postponed until they can put on an uninterrupted season. Those looking for their "Jack Bauer Power Hour" fix will have to settle for a peak at the original pilot episode produced seven years before it finally hit the air in 2001.

Bill Maher: Un-American Idiot

The smug, unfunny, bitter, angry, bigoted and unhinged jackass was on Blitzed Wolf's "Situation Room" program because, well, I guess because there are no better commentators available to analyze world events than bitter asstacklers like Maher.



For those short on time (and weak of stomach), the co-star of "D.C. Cab" calls Dubya a liar and anyone who doesn't spew the defeatist and self-hating shibboleths of the extreme Left "stooges." Yeah, right, Bill. Your speech rights sure are being infringed, aren't they? When Wolf Blitzer is calling you out on your bullsh*t, perhaps it's time to stick to what you're best at: being insincere to hot black women.