Return of the Living Dead Guitar Effects Unit

 NOTE: The following is something I posted on my secret identity's FaceSpace page.

OK, time for a long meandering story that perhaps two of my guitar nerd peeps may find passingly interesting. Maybe.

Saw hello to the Digitech RP-1, which as summarized by Brave search AI was a "hybrid analogue/digital multi-effects processor designed for guitarists, released in 1992. It combines analogue circuitry for effects like compression, distortion, graphic equalization, and noise gating with digital circuitry for delay, modulation, and reverb effects. The unit features 24 effects, allowing up to 10 to be used simultaneously."

During the first era of Red September I used a Peavey Pacer amp (1x12) with a knockoff (drawing a blank on the brand; they had plastic cases, not metal) of Boss's Heavy Metal distortion, a DOD chorus and a Washburn flanger. After the multiple iterations of that era collapsed in 1989 after three years, it was five years in the woodshed, writing songs on my 4-track, using that setup plus some reverb from an Alesis MIDIverb II.

In 1994, I'd gotten to the point where it would be viable to restart the band and got a new drummer and 2nd guitarist to go with the original bassist. A new decade and new lineup also needed some new gear. I got a new guitar (Kramer Proaxe Deluxe!) and amp, a Fender Performer 1000 (100W hybrid 1x12).

But I didn't want to use the old busted stomps with this new hotness. I needed something for the effects side of things.

Now, I can't remember how exactly the RP-1 came into the picture - speaking of which, the photo isn't my unit, but something I found online - whether I bought it new or used, but because the amp had plenty of gain on its own, I just used it for effects (chorus, delay, verb) running it through the effects loop on the amp.

Later in the 1990s, I switched to a Peavey Special 212 - a 3-channel (clean/crunch/kill) beast with 18 knobs and a really great set of tones. The Fender was LOUDER THAN HELL, but it had a real spike in the high-mids that was great slicing through a live mix, but was super ear-fatiguing in recorded situations.

Because the Special used a standard guitar cable for the switching pedal, I taped together a three-cord "snake" to run to the FX loop and switch jack. This made for faster setup/teardown, too.

However, as the turn of the Millennium came, this setup was becoming a nuisance because as lead singer and guitarist, I had to do the tapdance of FX and channel switching as well. Line 6 had released their 2nd modeling combo amp, the AX2 212, which had the one killer feature to sell me: the pedalboard was connected by a standard Cat5 network cable and you just needed to step on one button to change everything. Sweet!

Eventually in the mid-Aughts I'd move up to the Line 6 Vetta II (which was originally my other guitarist's, but he sold to a buddy and I got it from him) and when I got sick of lugging that 90+ lb beast up/down stairs switched to a Helix LT then Floor plus small FRFR speaker setup.

But the relevant detail is that for the past 25+ years I haven't used the RP-1 because FX were in the Line 6s. I still have all the amps stacked up, but the RP-1 had disappeared, presumably with all the old unused gear I have piled out out of reach in my basement where it's been since moving into Xanadu.

Where this begins to matter is that back on our first album, the cassette-only release This Is Life, there were two songs which had very specific effects on the guitar: The power ballad "Fallen" and the barn-burning show-closer "Waiting On The Papers". I'm not sure if both used the same effects chain with only amp channels changing (sue me, it was literally 30 years ago).

This has now become an issue because after 17 years of Red September only reconvening for the annual Big '80s/Flashback Bash shows of covers only, we are beginning to revisit the original songs in preparation to try and get out there again to play to organ donor crowds. (The "new guy" bassist has been with us 15 years, but never learned to original material because why? But I digress...)

I want to bring "Papers" and "Fallen" back, but was dreading trying to recreate their unique sounds. At practice a couple of weeks ago, I happened to mention how I couldn't find the RP-1 and how even if I did, the memory was probably lost due to not being plugged in for a freaking QUARTER CENTURY! Memories are usually backed up my a battery on the board like a CR2032 coin cell.

Well, this week's practice began with my drummer walking in and holding up the case with the RP-1! He had it all this time - when the band went on hiatus some of my guitars and amps resided at the drummer's and old bassist's places for 8-10 years before I reclaimed them - and it was in a trap case of his with the Digitech logo facing away so he'd always thought it was a stick bag or something.

Cool, but does it work? I immediately plugged it in and it came on with an unfamiliar name on the display, probably the default patch #1 or something. Then I tapped the footswitches and one came up called "Waiting On..." ZOMG!!!!! It still has its memory?!?!?!?

I have no idea how to navigate this ancient forgotten thing, but it appears to be a combo of flanger, delay and reverb. I can get the LFO settings and whatever the values were but how they'll translate to what my Helix has remains to be seen, but it's a start!

TL;DR: I finally got back a guitar effects unit I haven't used since Clinton was President and now may be able to recreate sounds from a 30-year-old album for new shows.

All We Hear Is Amazon Blah-Blah (Not Lady Gaga)

As a sales gimmick, Amazon's MP3 store offered Lady Gaga's new album, Like a Monster, er, Born This Way for the princely sum of...wait for it...99 cents! That's right, for the price of a Value Menu item you could get the new album from the Mother Monster. (BTW, this "monster" stuff is stupid bordering on retarded.) What could go wrong?

Plenty.

As irate customers flooding the reviews area with one-star reviews testified, the problem wasn't the music, but the inability to get it in a timely manner. When I purchased it around 11:30 am, I saw people complaining, but figured it wouldn't take too long to show up in my Cloud Drive.

Ha!

When I started drafting this post, it had been 10 hours and I had only the three tunes I had 10 minutes after buying. I posted this comment on the deal section:

Lady Gaga was able to do what hacker terrorists Anonymous couldn't: Bring Amazon's system to a screeching halt.

I bought it about 11:30 am EST and after 10 minutes, the booklet and tracks #6, #10, and #13 showed in my Cloud Drive. 10 hours later, nothing has improved. I don't even have the singles off the album yet.

Meanwhile, the pirate torrent sites have had it for days and available for complete download within minutes. Once again, the paying customers have an inferior experience. How the heck is legal music at any price supposed to compete with illegal files that don't make you wait on top of charging you. It doesn't matter if it costs 99 cents or 99 dollars if you can't deliver the product customers have paid for in a timely manner.

Way to snatch crushing defeat from the jaws of victory, Amazon.

After wandering off and editing and posting the photos from a show last weekend, I checked back and they're all present and accounted for, 12 hours later. I bought a Bad Brains album a couple of weeks ago - what, a guy can't listen to Bad Brains AND Lady Gaga? Pffft. - and it showed instantly.

Clearly this was an aberration, but I'll be interested in seeing how many monsters snapped on this bargain and sent Amazon's servers up the creek?

Dirk's Three Laws (and One Strong Suggestion) of Band Naming

Working in the music business you see tons of bands for whom the task of coming up with the first thing people will hear about them - the name - has apparently been given less thought than their hairstyles or the music. To assist those who aren't gifted in the dark arts of band naming, I've assembled the following list of guidelines that you ignore at your peril. (And yes, there are more than three if you want to be picky.)

Rule #1 - The name should be memorable. This should be self-explanatory, but too many bands don't seem to understand that if no one remembers your band's name, no one will remember the band. Pink Floyd, Van Halen, even The Arcade Fire have names that can be remembered; Above All, Malajube, Menomena, and Shad (all actual bands at SXSW 2011) don't. Punny names like Jehovah Waitresses or The Victorious Secrets help. (I've used Atomic Guam and Iron Oreo as Rock Band and Guitar Hero names.)

Rule #2 - The name should indicate what sort of music you play. Iron Maiden implies one thing; Air Supply implies another. What does Sweet Jane sound like; a Velvet Underground tribute act? Atari Teenage Riot sounds like their name. Does your name sound like your band?

Rule #3 - It should be easy enough to spell so juvenile delinquents can grafitti it everywhere. I was considering naming my band The Bourgeoisie until I realized I had to think hard about how to spell it. Did I want "Teh Borzwahzee Rulez!" spray-painted on overpasses and alley walls? That's why I went with Red September.

The One Strong Suggestion - Try out the name in the sentence, "Hi, we're [band name]." Does it sound stupid or offensive or like something your mother would blush at or would it make J.D. Considine's work of writing a snarky one-sentence review twisting it for maximum damage easy? Then go back to the start and come up with something not terrible. There was once a band called Lame. Try that out in the sentence. Can J.D. reply, "Yes, you are."? Then it's a terrible name. Start over. Seriously.

For a time, these Laws did the job, but over time I recognized other factors to be dealt with, thus leading to the first extension to the Laws:

Rule #3.5 - The name should not have to be seen for the joke to be understood. I once saw a band called Raindance several times before learning it was spelled R-E-I-G-N-dance. Get it? Neither did I. Homophones are trouble and not because they sound like listening devices for gay people. If your name sounds like Laughing Carrots, do not spell it Laffing Carats.

Because too many bands ignore the One Strong Suggestion, I've had to add:

Rule #3.6 - If the name includes one of the "7 Dirty Words" than you don't want to be famous. No one is going to sign and promote or cover bands called Sh*t and Shine, Sh*t Horse, or Sh*t Robot. (More real SXSW bands.) There's a band around town called Sh*tf*cker and while they're commended for being able to gig without detectable brain activity, their name alone precludes interest from anyone who doesn't giggle at the word "poop" every time.

Rule #4 - Logos must be clear enough that the band name can be discerned in 1.7 seconds or less. This stems from seeing an ad for a death metal festival where about 30 bands were playing, but I could only tell the names of 80% of the acts. The rest had logos that tried so hard to look like lightning bolts, spiderwebs, Klingon bat'leths and whatnot, they were illegible. Hippie jam bands are also frequent offenders as they have psychedelic melted balloon typography. Hey, Trustafarians, the reason the Fillmore posters could get away with it was because the people back then were on acid and to them the words looked like they were in Helvetica.

CFE: Regarding U2's "No Bars on the Verizon"

THE BACKGROUND: In his Big Hollywood post, "U2 & Me", Matt Patterson discusses his mixed, but ultimately positive, reaction to "No Line on the Horizon", which I refer to by the title of this post. I posted this comment:

U2 was one of the few acts I would still schlep down to the Beast Buy to plunk down my Hamilton to blind (deaf?) buy their latest on the day it came out. When the album leaked a couple weeks early, I decided to try before I bought and I am so glad I didn't waste a farthing for this turgid bore of an album.

Background: I've been a fan of theirs since 1980 when a high school pal had a t-shirt for their "Boy" album. My band covered "I Will Follow" at our annual Big 80s show last year. I have all their albums except for "Poop" (as I call it), which was such half-baked mess due to their having to push it out the door in time for the already-planned tour. (I gave that to my girlfriend with whom our first real date was a Zoo TV concert in 1992.)

I thought "All That You Can't Leave Behind" was the sound of a band with nothing to prove casually rebounding from their self-inflicted irony overload and delivering a solid album. I call "How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb" a "Wonderbra album" because what was up front - the sublime "Vertigo" - was just a tease because what came after was a flat experience that sounded like the Edge scrolling thru his guitar effect presets of classic tones.

Where "No Bars on the Verizon" (heh) flops is that the laziness and distractedness of the lyrics are only compounded by the lackluster music. Larry is playing the same beats; the best lick in the title track is the one Edge nicked from "The Fly"; every song is a slow to mid-tempo dirge except "Get On Your Boots" which serves as a midpoint wake-up nudge more than an exciting and memorable song.

Most critics are just rubber-stamping 5-star/A+ reviews for this thing like they automatically award the latest loaves pinched by Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, or any act that bashed Dubya. Fans who can't cope with the idea that their beloved band could fail are happy-talking, too. But for those still able to see whether the monarch dressed for the day or not, "No Bars" is the sound of a band that should decide whether they want to save the world or save their musical reputations.

White Wedding: The Literal Video Version!!

Been a while since I posted one of these. Enjoy!

White Wedding: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

"Enter Sandman" As Told By Cats!

Sometimes 4chan can impress. Prepare to put some mileage on your scroll wheel!

The Four Chords That Make Up (Seemingly) Every Song!

The Axis Of Awesome's 4 Chords

See more like this on kontraband.com

No More Appropriate A Song For Today's Coronation Festivities.

Heh.

Need A Last Minute Gift?

J*** In My Pants!

While the overall quality of Saturday Night Live has been on the upswing this season, the SNL Digital Shorts by Andy Samberg's Lonely Island troupe are off the hook and their latest takes it up another notch with a hooky tune and excellent production values on the video. (A little NSFW. Wear headphones.)

Blizzard Man Kicks It, Yo!!!

This sketch from SNL a couple of weeks ago just killed! Props to T-Pain for being a good sport and giving a good performance.

Tears For Fears - "Head Over Heels (Literal Version)"

From the sick puppies who brought you the A-Ha "Take On Me (Literal Version)" video comes this even better one!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

"Take On Me": The Literal Video Version

Cute.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Rap Battle Lingo Translated

In case you can't grok the lingo of rap battles even after seeing "8 Mile", here is a concisely annotated version for your perusal:


Rap Battle Gone Bad Translated

The original is available from the link and it shows how much more literate the translated version is. Seriously, all battle raps are the same: "I rule, you suck, you're a fag, I'll kill you, yo mama is so fat, my genitals are huge, did I mention you're a fag and ima kill ya?" Yawn...

Rush On The Colbert Report

No, not Limbaugh. RUSH! You know, RUSH! Doesn't anyone watch "Freaks & Geeks"?

Rare and Incredible KISS Performance!

It gets old before it's over, but until then, it's pretty awesome.

Dark Side of the Rainbow

You've probably heard about how if you play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album at the same time as "The Wizard of Oz" is running, they synch up, but how many of you have actually tried doing it? Well, now you don't have to dust off the turntable and hook up the VCR because someone has done it for you.



You're welcome.

I just skipped around to random points in the clip and it's pretty freaky how it lines up. I wonder just how stoned and burdened by free time the hippie who discovered this synergy was? "Hey, Dude...let's try 'Master of Puppets' and 'The Yearling' after we're finished with 'The Land of Rape and Honey' and 'The Passion of the Christ'!"

Dirk Sez Listen To: Asobi Seksu

This post marks the debut of a feature I'm going to call "Dirk Sez Listen To". There is plenty of cool music out there that is easy to miss, so when I find something that tickles me, I'll put together a playlist for you to sample. Look for others by clicking the "listen to" tag at the bottom to dredge on subsequent installments. You're welcome.

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I stumbled over a song by Asobi Seksu earlier today and after seeing the cute Asian girl singer of the band...



...I decided to run down some of their music on Seeqpod and it's pretty good. Sort of a melange of Cocteau Twins, Lush, My Bloody Valentine, The Cranberries and whatnot. They're on tour now and just as luck would have it, they passed thru Detroit THREE DAYS AGO!!! D'oh!!!



Give 'em a whirl, won't ya?

Band Name of the Day

Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program

"I'll stagger thru the malted alley..."

I've blogged about my love for Puffy Amiyumi here before - search it for yourselves up top; don't be so dependent! - and generally appreciation for females of the Asian persuasion, but I've never heard of Nochiura Natsumi before stumbling over this awesome video posted at a commenter's blog. In case you've ever wondered what foreign pop singers are saying, wonder no further!

(h/t Amanda Hug'NKiss)