Saturday, July 01, 2006

An Actually Vaguely Amusing MySpace Bulletin.

One of the things that having a bunch of MySpace friends allows you to do is to learn which ones are totally inappropriate with their need to share their deepest inner secrets, which come over the transom in the form of survey replies, etc.

This one girl, who is a friend of an acquantance, is the worst of all as I have been able to learn more about her sexual history and preferences against my will in a couple of days than I know about friends I've had for a decade. I'm sure that if I were to mention this knowledge to her face - "So, you and your girlfriend like to rassle while a guy spunks on you. I'd like to volunteer." - she'd slap me, knee me in the groin and pepper spray me.


Anyhoo, one of her myriad forwarded jokes/quizs/what-porn-name-does-your-social-security-number-equal bulletins today was the following. It tickled me because it reminded me of something I did in a crowded elevator a loooooooooong time ago. There were about 15-20 people, it was crowded and everyone was uptight. So, I decided to break the ice with a cheerful "I claim this elevator in the name of Allah.", with an accent that was more Hindu than jihadi. Everyone froze for a moment before bursting out laughing.

Mind you, this is so long before 9/11, I can't even guesstimate a time frame, perhaps the early Nineties. Even then, the idea of Muslim suicide bombers wasn't unknown, yet today, we're not even allowed to use the word "terrorist" in news reports so as not to make "value judgements". How times change.

Anyhoo, on to the Lettermanesque list of...

27 things to do in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

27) Bring a plastic blow up doll and pretend it is your wife/girlfriend and say "Don't yell at me woman!" and throw her into the wall.

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