Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Rant: Unable To Spend Money and My Continuing Aura of Authority.

How f*cking hard should it be to spend your own money?!? Isn't the purpose of retail stores to exchange goods for currency? When a customer comes into your store and stands on the retail floor looking around for assistance, shouldn't your first instinct be to rush over and relieve this person of as much money as possible? You'd think this would be the case, but it appears you'd be wrong.

My old Nikes are starting to fall apart after 2-3 years of wear and I need some new ones so I went to the local Dunham's store last night to shop. I usually get the Air Monarch cross-trainers because they're comfortable and only cost $45-$60, depending on the sale. As it happened, they were on sale for $45, so yay for that. If only I could get someone, anyone, to wait on me.

There was an older couple who were trying on some shoes, but I have no idea where they got them from because not one sales person was in the area. I gazed blankly across the floor toward the nearby cash registers where three cashiers flitted about, blithely ignorant of or apathetic to my presence, unaided, in the shoe section. Now, granted, they probably couldn't come to my aid, but surely they could've paged some assistance my way. Here's where basic self-preservation instincts should kick in: if no one helps the customer, they won't have anything to purchase and thus there no need for cashiers; ergo, GET THE CUSTOMER SOME HELP!!!

I ended up walking out. There are other sporting goods places.

I've experienced similar treatment at Guitar Center where I've gone in with a figurative boner to spend a lot of money and left empty-handed and just as wealthy because the bozos there either ignore me or are so woefully clueless about there merchandise. I had a pro audio clerk who resorted to reading me the bullet points out of a magazine ad! I'm looking to spend 15-20 Benjis and this guy blew the sale because he didn't have a hint about his own department! I've been wanting to try guitars and amps that are over a grand on the tag, but the commissioned sales drone is fawning over some teenager painfully plucking out some popular mediocre tune because the kid's mother is about to drop $179 on a Fender Squire starter bundle. You'd think they'd rather have 10 times the commission, but then again you'd be wrong.

Now about the aura of authority thing in the title: For some reason, people come up to me in stores and start asking me questions as if I worked there. I am not dressed in any way like the staff, but for some reason I must give off an "I know all; ask me about it" vibe. While waiting in vain for someone to sell me shoes, some guy walked up to me and asked me where something was. I slowly turn toward him and looked into this Paleolithic mook mug and said, "I don't work here."

"You don't?"

What made you think I did?

"I saw your badge," indicating the electronic key card from my daytime employment at a Very Big Corporation. I point out that it says "Very Big Corporation" and not "Dunham's" and he says, I'm not kidding...

"I can't read. I'm stupid."



Anonymous said...

Re: Air of "authority"-- looks like the adage is true, you can take the boy out of retail but you can't take retail out of the boy.

You've clearly got "retail hump" written all over you.

Dirk Belligerent said...

Correction: You can't take the "ASS" out of assumptions. (Or believe everything you read on the Intarwebz.) To say that you are wrong, again, would be doubly redundant. It's always amusing to watch liberals pit their arrogance against their ignorance.

Except for a short holiday stint working at Harmony House (Midwest record store chain) around Christmas 1990 and a few weeks at an indie record shop in Summer 1992, I've never worked retail. I've had some odd jobs, but never did much retail. No fast food either. Mostly professional work. Sorry to bust your bubble, Bub.

Besides, there is nothing dishonorable in honest work. Liberals should try it sometime. It could help you get over yourselves. The guy gathering shopping carts is contributes more to society than wealthy elite liberal fascists like Obama, Pelosi, and Reid - millionaires who don't care about the economic tidal waves drowning the little people they pretend to stand up for because they'd rather have Americans suffer than tap our natural resources.

Anonymous said...


Clever girl! People laughed at you for years on the VR because you worked in a retail record store. This was not that long ago; my best guess is ~2 years. There's nothing dishonorable with retail work, as it serves as a stepping stone. It does not recruit the best and the brightest, however. Your extended stay in the field proves that, aye?

Still, though, you get a gold star for obfuscation and genial deceit. Not that I blame you! It's hard out there for a pimp!

Dirk Belligerent said...

When I post about the arrogant stupidity of elitist liberals, I'm sure some of my readers think I am exaggerating. Fortunately, there are plenty of ignorant boneheads eager to rush forth and provide living examples of their blowhardiness.

You may want to learn how to read, too. Since my indie record store gig was perhaps only a month long, my last significant stretch in a retail service sector capacity was nearly 18 YEARS AGO! So why would people be mocking me recently about working in a record store? Hmmmm?

I hate to pull back the curtain on one of my longest-running illusions, but my sense of charity toward the terminally stupid compels me to take mercy on you. You see, I have to admit that I have been deceitful because...

I've never worked at Media Play.

Oh, I've shopped there, but never punched a clock. You and a whole lot of people have been laboring under the impression that I was but a lowly retail drone and arrogantly ignored my cogent advice based on your elitist views of those you view as beneath you.

Q: How did anyone know what I supposedly did for a living? Hmmmm?

Come on, smart guy. Figure it out. How could so many people make such a wrong assumption about the bona fides of a fictitious persona on a message board?

Could it be because someone deliberately promulgated a careful bit of misinformation? Hmmmm? Could it be that I made it all up?

I created the myth of my day job as a test and you failed it with flying colors, sucker!

Since everyone on the VR postures as if they were some sort of Big Shot Suit/Producer/Rock Star/Media Weasel type - regardless of whether they actually had the CV to back it up - I decided to go the other way and to undersell my position, abilities and accomplishments. In a world where everyone is desperate to look big, I chose to appear small.

I knew exactly what people like you would thing: "Who would lie about being LESS than what they were? He's gotta be a lowly lackey. We can ignore his opinions because he is not of our caste." The problem is that year after year after year, I've been right and the snobs and elites are now on the streets wondering WTF happened to their cushy existences. Wah.

And you now have to face the inconvenient truth that you fell for my ruse, hook, line, and sinker. How big are you now, big man? Somewhere, Andy Kaufman is laughing has ass off at you. And so am I.

I smile every time one of you cornered rats resorts to the ad hominem that I am just a "retail hump" because it shows that you know you're losing the argument on its merits and all you have left is a juvenile panic button of hope that by declaring your better as not being "cool enough", people won't notice your utter devastation. Didn't work out too well, now did it? Heh.

Shhhh...keep it secret so the others won't catch on, mmmkay? Now you can laugh at those who follow your folly, so it's not a total loss! XD

Anonymous said...

Well played! [golf clap]

I have to laugh at that, because you're right: it is very funny.

I doff my cap to you, sir!

Dirk Belligerent said...

Try the veal!